“Where did that come from?”

…You are asked, as if there wasn’t warning, as if you hadn’t been dealing with them patiently for quite some time.

The implication being that you aren’t patient. That you’ve just snapped. That you’re being irrational and unfair.

“Where did that come from?”

They feign ignorance and innocence, to the particular offence and the to track record of behaviour.

They’ve asked before. It’s not like they are completely unaware.

“Was I out of line?” – that’s what they should be asking of their behaviour – a judgement call with no room for equivocation.

Instead they ask questions, the answers to which don’t quite get to the point and are guaranteed to get an answer, if answered, that won’t pose near as much threat to their ego?

“Were they offended?” – they’ll ask, as if the problem were just a matter of other people’s perspectives.

“Was I over-reacting?” – as if it were a question of proportion instead of appropriate response – when the question should have been categorical instead of a question of scale.

You get the idea.

So you answer their questions but you don’t answer them in such a straight forward manner as to enable self-deception. You use tone. “No…”, you answer – with an audible but unspoken “but” well within what they have the capacity to detect.

They’re always detecting nuance – they’re quite sensitive to the tone of your voice so you’ve done your due diligence and said as much as you are responsible for saying.

Any more than that and you’re lecturing them, which will either do their thinking for them (ultimately solving nothing) or provoking a defence (also ultimately solving nothing).

The “but” in your voice should be enough to tell them their question is based on a false premise and that they have a job to do working it out for themselves. This is a reasonable expectation.

When they obviously set over the line – perhaps not more than their three strikes worth but plain enough for all to see – you don’t reward them. If they bark orders when they don’t have a dot worth of authority, you don’t obey. If they demand answers you repeat your defiance, perhaps with a “because I said so”.

You let it be known that they have to step back over that line.

But the time comes when they’ve had more than their three strikes. When the patience you’ve extended to them that most people wouldn’t, as much as it is but finite, comes to an end.

Then the hammer falls. Then the rules have to change and you have to change them.

So you stop answering their loaded questions, nor even addressing them. You’re defiance becomes articulated, assertive and affirmative.

“Where did that come from?”, they shriek – as if it hadn’t been communicated – as if their wasn’t a long history of you patiently saying what you have to and expecting them to carry their half of the load.

In one presumptuous question born of bad faith they belittle all the patience you’ve shown them. All the consideration they’ve been shown and never really deserved, as if they’d never been the beneficiary.

If they were a friend, they’re merely an acquaintance now. You have to acknowledge this – when they disregard how you’ve done the right thing by them, they disregard your friendship.

“Where did that come from?” instead of “oh shit, I’m sorry!”

So you are left without obligation in a position where it may not be a good thing for you to continue your association, where perhaps you can sever the ties at the drop of a hat. You don’t have to burn bridges – there’s a toll booth on the bridge and you own it.

You get to set the fee. You get to turn them back.

The first toll you should extract from them is for them to acknowledge where it came from – that for things to get here things can’t have been all okay. You’ve already been coaxing them patiently in the right direction for a long time so expect them to volunteer it all.

You don’t tell them what they did wrong. They tell you. It’s been discussed already.

Spinning the truth should be treated like counterfeit currency. So you turn them back to where they came from for downplaying what they’ve done wrong. Perhaps with the understanding that they aren’t to come back – you’ve got other people crossing your bridge.

Perhaps they do this. But things don’t go back to being the way they were because you don’t have to let them be. You don’t need this shit like the way they need you.

You set the terms of any new arrangement.

Again, they act aggrieved.

“Where did that come from?”

They act entitled. Which is to say that somehow you’re obligated. You aren’t.

All of their behaviour, including the incessant “where did that come from?” lead them to this. It’s a consequence of their behaviour and oddly enough the answer to their question.

You set your terms. Maybe you’re generous or maybe you’re not – maybe you’re fair and give them no more of yourself than they deserve. They either accept them or they don’t. When they reject your terms – either out of hand or further down the track – you reject them.

“Where did that come from?”, they ask as they’ve lost another friend – another person who gave them time they weren’t entitled to to begin with.

They’ll say how people can be cruel; how the world is so unfair; how they hold themselves to a higher standard and how humanity disappoints them, or otherwise attribute their rejection to some unknown cause in a nebulous realm to which blame can be sent without return.

Anything but the fact that they’ve acted with contempt towards people they’ve owed respect and that this is what has caused their predicament. It’s their own fault, not yours, not the world’s.

So they’ll go on and cry on the shoulder of who ever else they’ve got left that will listen, asking in bad faith “where did that come from?”, “were they offended?” and “was I over-reacting?” and those few friends that they have left, will patiently listen, reply with a “but” in their voice and put up with it until the contempt has gone too far.

Then the process will repeat itself, the only unfair thing about it all being that an unfair question will continually hang over the heads of people just because they showed a bit of grace. The lonely narcissist asking the perpetual question deserving their loneliness entirely.

Wouldn’t it be nicer for all concerned if some people just grew the fuck up and took responsibility for themselves for a change?

~ Bruce